


Holocene

by ecofriendlyalien



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: M/M, Platonic Relationships, Platonic rochu, platonic china/russia, russia/japan if you squint in the middle aha, touch starved, touch starved russia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-09
Updated: 2018-07-09
Packaged: 2019-06-07 16:31:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15223187
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ecofriendlyalien/pseuds/ecofriendlyalien
Summary: A vent fic.





	Holocene

**Author's Note:**

> I understand this is pretty out of character but honestly this was just me projecting my own problems onto these characters so Shrugs. Ivan is touch starved and sad and his best friend Yao is there to help :)   
> There's a lot more I could have done with this fanfic, sure, but I mostly just wanted to stop writing but didn't want to leave it unfinished 
> 
> Content warnings!! Self harm implied during the beginning

Things were about as normal as they could be. Just like any other day, another meeting was coming to an end. All the members were leaving for their respective homes, chairs scratching across the floor as people got up, goodbyes being said. Yet someone lingered. 

Ivan sat in his chair, his eyes glassy as he stared out into nothingness. This wasn’t the first time this had happened; in fact it was a pretty regular occurrence. During meetings Russia would just space out, he didn’t reply, hardly made a noise. It just added to the fact that no one in that room trusted him. No one ever said anything; they were scared if they did Ivan would knock them across the head. 

So without a word to him, everyone left, few people glancing back at Ivan who had yet to move from his chair. The door behind them closed and everyone gave each other uncomfortable glances. 

“Should someone… Do something?” Arthur was the one to ask, his tone wary. 

“I don’t really know what we could do; he’s a weird dude ya’know.” Alfred replied. 

Francis nodded his agreement, “yeah, he’s always given me the creeps. He’s just sitting in there like a mannequin! It’s… odd to say the least.” 

Yao was silent in all this, his arms crossed as he listened to the others talk. They continued talking about Russia, their voices betraying their true feelings of fear towards Ivan. He kept towards the back of the group, lingering near the door. Once the others had said their official goodbyes and left the building, Yao turned on his heel, heading back in to the meeting room. 

Sure enough Ivan still sat there, his head resting in his hands as he seemed lost in thought. 

“Ivan.” Yao addressed, concern was apparent on his tone. Out of everyone Ivan and Yao had been friends the longest, they were neighbors after all. The two of them had always been friends, and Yao knew how Ivan could get when he… got too lost in his own mind. 

He approached his friend with caution, his arms still crossed in a defensive stance as he walked towards Ivan. 

“Ivan.” Yao tried again, this time he held out a hand and place it on Ivan’s shoulder. 

Like he had just been struck Ivan snapped up, jumping in shock. He blinked rapidly, his head swiveling as he tried to find the source of his ‘attack’, finally he locked eyes with Yao and his breathing stilled. 

“You scared me! Sorry for jumping!” Ivan said, forcing a laugh. His breathing was slower now but it was easy for Yao to tell that he was having difficultly keeping his breath calm. His hand had wandered to his wrist and he was grabbing at himself like his life depended on his, all the while he refused to make eye contact with Yao. 

“You were spaced out again.” Yao said, crossing his arms again as he kept his eyes trailed on Ivan’s hand. Watching him grasp onto himself with a concerning amount of force. 

He knew Ivan had a history with hurting himself and Yao was worried his habit was acting up again. Ivan liked to test the limits of his immortality more than any of the other countries and it caused Yao a great deal of concern. Especially when it caused Ivan to isolate himself, he would go weeks without talking to anyone and then show up, bruised and tired, refusing to tell anyone what happened. 

Ivan stood up slowly; it was easy to tell he was having difficulty staying on his feet. He made his way to the closest window and stared out of it, trying to find something to look at other than his friend whose concern was growing by the second. 

“Ivan are you-.” Yao started but Ivan stopped him. 

“I am fine my friend! Nothing to worry about!” He tried to reassure, but it was hard to take him seriously when he was still digging his fingernails into his jacket. 

Yao knew Ivan was stubborn. The bastard always had been. ‘No compromise in Russia!’ he always said. So Yao knew he had to push him, if Ivan didn’t talk about it he would just bottle it up and become even more self-destructive. They had known each other for so long, Yao knew this song and dance. 

Yao followed Ivan to the window, reaching over he grabbed onto Ivan’s hand that was still dug into his wrist. He ducked his head so Ivan was forced to make eye contact with him. He could tell Ivan was trying to hide something by the way the tall man squirmed, as if Yao’s eyes were going to damage him. 

“Talk to me.” 

That was all it took for Ivan’s flimsy composure to break. Tears welled up in his eyes and he lowered his head, defeated he pulled his hands away from Yao. He hid his face in his hands, growling in frustration at the tears that soon turned into sobs. He began shaking with and Yao’s stomach twisted in knots as he watched helplessly as his best friend cried. 

He knew Ivan wasn’t as strong as people thought he was, he knew he wasn’t as strong as he acted, he knew Ivan was weak and scared, and he knew Ivan needed him. 

“T-This is stupid. Fuck.” Ivan choked; he hated crying in front of others. Even in front of Yao who he had cried in front of in the past. He slowly lowered himself so he was sitting on the floor, back against the wall as he covered his face with his hands, trying hard and failing to suppress his crying. 

Yao followed him onto the floor, sitting on his knees in front of Ivan. Concern was still wracking at his stomach as he stared helplessly at Ivan who was still covering his face. He was grappling to find something to say, something to do- Ivan had cried in front of him before, sure, but this kind of out of the blue breakdown always left him struggling to find a way to help. 

“What’s wrong?” Yao questioned. His eyebrows furrowed as a thought formed, “is Bela bothering you again?” He asked the question with a sharp menace. 

Ivan let out a painful laugh, “Belarus? No, she is... She…” Ivan shook his head, unable to form the words he wanted to say. 

“Is not her.” He sniffed, “I am… I’m just tired.” 

Yao wasn’t going to listen to that excuse. 

“You’re full of Shit.” Yao said pointedly, “you know you can talk to me.” 

Ivan stayed silent, his eyes fixed on a point in the ground. He seemed to be struggling, his eyes slowly moving back and forth as he blinked, his thoughts taking some time to form. 

“Things are feeling not real again.” Ivan finally said, his tears had slowed but he still had to reach up to wipe away at his watering eyes. 

Yao stayed silent, waiting for Ivan to continue. Ivan had been alone most of his life, aside from his sisters he never really had anyone else. Isolation like that did things to ones mind, for Ivan it took the form of reality not being quite real for him all the time. Yao knew this; he had seen Ivan struggle with it before. Dread filled his stomach as he listened. 

“Spaces between real, not real, alive, dead, they are cracking again.” Ivan continued, “I haven’t even been able to sleep at night, so I am… tired...” He paused, diverting his eyes away, looking as far away from Yao as he could. 

Yao’s brow furrowed in concern, “Ivan… have you been hurting yourself again?” His question was straight to the point; there was no reason to beat around the bush. 

Ivan didn’t respond; that alone was enough to confirm what Yao had already been suspicious of. 

“Ivan.” Yao said firmly. This got Ivan to react. His shoulders shook with a heavy breath as he laid his hands in his lap. 

“Why does it matter? Is not like I can die anyway.” Ivan replied, again his hand reached over and grabbed at his wrist. The action was made more sense now. 

“No, but it’s the fact that you’re testing it that has me concerned.” 

Ivan’s let out a shaky breath, “why does it matter? No one likes me anyway, no one would notice really if I just-.” 

“Bullshit.” Yao snapped, his eyes narrowing at his friend.

“Is not Bullshit, other than you name one person who likes me.”

Yao was quite for a second, it was true, he couldn’t think of anyone else who would consider Ivan a friend. Ukraine? She was terrified of being around him. Bela? He was terrified of being around her. Everyone else was scared of Ivan. Their words earlier confirmed what Yao already knew. 

Ivan let out a shaky laugh, as if his silence confirmed his thoughts. 

“See, people are scared of me.” 

“Because they don’t know you, I do!” 

Ivan was silent, his eyes fixed into a spot in the distance. The only sound in the room was the sound of Ivan’s shaky breaths. Still, his eyes continued watering as he bitterly would reach up and wipe away at them with his sleeve. 

“You know I care about you right?” The silence got to be too much for Yao to bare. He looked over to see Ivan clenching his jaw, the tears in his eyes started acting up again with a new vigilance. 

“Seriously,” He continued. He didn’t know how much his words were going to help, but it was all he could do. Ramble and hope for the fucking best. 

“You’re one of the only people I trust, only person I trust in his place for sure. You know I wouldn’t have come in here to check on you if I didn’t give a shit.” 

Ivan began sniffing even harder, obviously trying to stop himself from crying, and failing, miserably. 

“People are scared of you because they don’t know anything about you, you know what they think. Stupid Western countries think anyone taller than 5’5 is scary. You’re a good person. It’s not your fault that people are narrow minded.” 

Yao moved in front of Ivan, looking him in the eyes even if Ivan refused to look at him back. He placed his hands on his shoulders and as if someone had threatened him he tensed up. His shoulders becoming tight, his jaw clenching, breathing became more rapid. Yao’s heart clenched, he knew his friend had a – troubled history when it came to touch, but had it really gotten this bad? He hated seeing him like this. Worry coursed through him and he pulled his hands back, scared that his touch was making Ivan uncomfortable. 

This didn’t seem to help either because as soon as Yao had pulled away Ivan’s tears started again with a new ferocity. He covered his face with his hands again. Silent sobs making his body shake. Shit- Fuck- he had fucked up again. Now what was he going to do? Words didn’t work, and comforting touch didn’t- Shit. 

“You should come over to my house tonight!” Yao’s tone was quick, near panicking; trying anything he could to make the situation better. 

“You don’t need to be all alone in that cold house.” He insisted, waving his hands frantically. 

“You are sure?” Ivan asked, his voice muffled by his hands. 

“Don’t be stupid! I wouldn’t offer if I wasn’t sure.” He totally wasn’t sure, but what else could he do? Leave Ivan (who was obviously going through some kind of breakdown) all by himself? Ivan was his friend, he wasn’t going to do that do him. 

Ivan just nodded. 

\-- 

 

It took them a while to get back to Yao’s house. The entire way Ivan was silent, aside from muffled sniffling and the sound of him rubbing his eyes on the back of his sleeves. 

When they got to the door Yao opened it, taking off his shoes he placed them by the door and Ivan followed suit. Ivan also took off his jacket, placing it on the coat hanger by Yao’s door. He was wearing a long sleeve yellow sweatshirt under his jacket. It was surprisingly casual for the man who was usually dressed in formal winter fashion. Yao thought nothing of it. The fact that was sweatshirt had elastic bands keeping the sleeves from riding up was concerning, to say the least. He just ignored the twisting in his gut. 

Of course, Ivan kept his scarf on. In all the centuries that Yao had known Ivan he had never seen him without that scarf on. 

“I’m hungry, when was the last time you ate?” Yao piped up. He straightened his ponytail, gesturing for Ivan to follow him to the kitchen as he walked away. 

“Not long.” Ivan replied. 

Yao shot him a look and Ivan’s eyes instantly darted towards the ground. 

“A while.” He revised his statement. 

Yao nodded and set to work. Comfort food was what Ivan needed. The idea of comfort food had come from Alfred. Because of course the idea of eating something with high carbs to make yourself feel better came from an American. Yao looked through his cabinets, digging around until he found the right noodles he was looking for. 

“How’s ramen sound?” Simple to make; and he knew it was one of the dishes Ivan liked. 

“Sounds good.” Ivan was standing in the corner of the kitchen as if he was a stranger in this house. He was smiling to himself; Yao could tell it was his vacant smile. The smile he almost always had plastered on his face, trying to make himself seem less unsetting by constantly forcing a smile. It didn’t work. Yao just didn’t have the heart to tell him that. 

“Can I trust you to boil some eggs?” Yao teased. This brought Ivan a real smile. Success! The plan was working. 

“Me? Boil eggs? I might burn house down.” Ivan joked back. The two of them worked together to make the food, Ivan making hard boiled eggs, and Yao chopping meat and greens to put into the ramen. 

“How has Kiku been?” Ivan asked. His tone was too forced; he was making himself sound way too casual, as if he were making idle chat.

“Oh? He’s been fine, why do you ask?” Yao asked slyly, a small smile crossing his face. 

Ivan lifted his scarf up ever so slightly to cover his cheeks, “No reason, making conversation.” Ivan shrugged. He turned away from Yao, stirring the water when you were definitely not supposed to be stirring the water. 

“Conversation about my baby brother? That sure is an interesting conversation, yes?” 

Ivan puffed up his shoulders, shaking his head he hid his face from his friend. Yao dropped the knife he was holding onto the counter and walked behind Ivan. He was cautious in his actions, deciding to test the water when it came to touching Ivan again. He slowly reached his hands forward. Gently he pressed on either side of Ivan’s torso which he had left venerable when he went to stir the pot. A split second passed where Ivan didn’t jump, good sign. Yao squeezed Ivan’s sides and began tickling him, to which Ivan let out a small shriek and then began laughing, a frantic panicked laugh as he tried to turn around to swat Yao off of him. 

Yao didn’t let up; instead turning his body in time with Ivan’s to keep up with his assault. 

“Oh Ivan how could you betray me like this!” He teased, Ivan let out a wheezing laugh. 

“A crush on my baby brother?! How dare you!” 

Ivan tried to pull away but was continuously unsuccessful. Last line of defense! Ivan quickly dropped to the ground. Yao was taken by surprise by Ivan’s sudden drop and he let go of his friend’s side, Ivan managed to wiggle free from his grasp, tears in his eyes as he continued to laugh. 

The man sat on the ground, back pressed against the oven as he reached up. Wiping away at the tears in his eyes, a big goofy grin on his face as he settled down his giggles. 

“So what if I did have crush on him? He is very pretty, gets his looks from you.” Ivan gave Yao a wink from his spot on the floor and Yao faked flustered. Fanning his face with his hands as if he suddenly had gotten all hot, Ivan chuckled at this and slowly rose to his feet. 

His legs were shaky, Yao noticed that right away. How long had it been since he last ate? Sure, they were nearly immortal. But they still did have bodies they had to take care of. Without food, water, they would start to wither. Rot away. Basically become a living corpse until they either got better, or their country died. It took more for them to get hurt, how long had Ivan not eaten for him to have difficulty rising to his feet after that? Anxiety hit Yao in his chest, causing his throat to tighten. 

He reached down, offering his hand to Ivan to help him up. Ivan gratefully took it, standing straight up and readjusting his sleeves and then scarf. Making sure there was minimal skin showing.

They continued idle chatter while they waited patiently for their food to be ready. Soon the smell of fresh ramen filled the kitchen, they also boiled some water, seeping tea to have with their meal as well. 

“Do you want to watch a movie?” Yao suggested, “Or if you still have my brother on the brain he’s been suggesting me some anime to watch.” Again he smiled slyly as Ivan tried to hide his blush with his scarf. 

The two of them sat on Yao’s couch, eating their ramen in silence as an over dramatic Japanese cartoon played on his TV. When they finished their food Ivan took the dishes to the kitchen, washed up, and made his way back to the couch. They continued watching the show in silence. Soon Yao noticed Ivan’s eyes were looking heavier than usual. He was yawning a lot, and every once in a while his head would tip over and he’d close his eyes only to snap back awake and shake his head. 

It didn’t take long at all before he nodded off. He closed his eyes and in minutes he had fallen asleep. Yao was feeling the effects of the day weigh on him as well. Instead of going to his bedroom he simply grabbed a blanket and placed it on Ivan, then sat back down beside him. Ivan leaned to the side, placing his head on Yao’s shoulder and the two of them fell asleep like this. 

Who knew how long it had passed before the two of them had woken up. Ivan had always been an early riser, but this was different. Yao had been awoken by the sound of sniffling, as if the trembling body next to him wasn’t enough to wake him up on its own. 

Yao was disoriented at first, unsure who he was lying next to. He blinked his eyes as everything came into focus and he realized Ivan was still sitting beside him, face in his hands as he stifled his tears. 

“Ivan- What’s wrong?” Yao whispered, his voice was hoarse from sleep. 

Ivan jumped; Yao’s voice startling him and he hastily wiped his eyes with his hands. 

“No- Nothing is wrong!” Ivan’s voice cracked and he made a frustrated noise in the back of his throat. 

“You are crying on my couch right now,” Yao straightened himself up. He rubbed the back of his eyes, trying to clear the tiredness from his vision.  
“Don’t lie to me, I’m not stupid.” 

Ivan sniffed a few times, continuing to wipe his eyes, desperate to try and stop the tears. It was to no avail, because whether he liked it or not he was crying. His body betraying his emotions that he always tried so hard to conceal. Well, it wasn’t like he tried to hide them, more so no one ever asked. 

“It’s just been while since I’ve been around people.” 

“But you’re around the others all the time!” 

“Not like that.” 

Yao pierced his lips, the weight of the words Ivan said hitting him. He was right, of course he was. Like he had said before, none of the other countries really liked him. He didn’t have friends outside of Yao. So when he said he hadn’t been around others it wasn’t hard for him to believe. 

“Why are you crying?” Yao asked gently, he twisted himself so he was sitting sideways on the couch. Facing Ivan he could hardly see his face in the darkness of the living room, though it was easy to see Ivan had been awake and crying for a while by how puffy his eyes were. 

“I don’t know.” 

His words rang true. It was easy enough for Yao to spot when someone was lying, came with age he guessed. Ivan was telling the truth, he really didn’t know why he was crying. 

“Okay, then tell me what’s on your mind. We’ll work through this together.” 

Ivan let out a shaky breath. He seemed to be struggling to think of what he wanted to say, opening and closing his mouth every few seconds and furrowing his brow. 

“Yao, do you keep me around because you’re scared of me? Or because you feel like you have to?” He said the words quickly, like he was forcing them out of his mouth. His eyes were locked with the ground as he said it. 

“What?” Yao’s brow furrowed in obvious concern, “Ivan you’re my friend.”  
He scooted forward in his seat, closing the tiny gap between him and Ivan. He placed a hand on Ivan’s knee and for a second Ivan froze up, yet he didn’t react to it as strongly as he had before. 

“I keep you around because you’re my friend, you’re funny, and you care. You’re not very good at showing it but I’ve known you long enough to know you do.” 

Ivan cracked a shaky smile at that. 

“You don’t think I’m creepy?” 

“I think you’re a big nerd who no one cares enough to get to know.” 

Ivan pulled his legs up, turning his entire body sideways on the couch so he and Yao were facing each other. The two of them sat criss-cross on the sofa, Ivan staring at his own lap as Yao stared intently at him. 

Yao had pulled his hands back as Ivan moved but returned them to keep a hand on Ivan’s leg. Ivan reached down, grabbing his hands and held them. It was like he needed something, anything, to keep his grasp on what was really there. Yao didn’t pull back and instead let Ivan hold his hand, watching his face and Ivan tried to sort out a thought that seemed particularly hard for him to say. 

“I just want people to like me.” His voice was quiet; it reminded Yao of a child. 

“I like you.” He replied. 

The water-works started up again and Ivan pulled his hands away from Yao’s hands to wipe away at his face. Yao did the only thing he could think to do; he scooted forward and wrapped his arms around Ivan’s waist. Pulling him into a hug. 

Ivan tensed up at first. His breath hitching for a moment like it was caught in his throat. He didn’t pull away, or try and push Yao, which he took for a good sign. He sat there for a moment, frozen, it was like he was in shock and it took a second few seconds before Ivan realized that the touch wasn’t an attack- something bad that he needed to escape from. 

 

He sunk into the hug, his cries turning into full on sobs. He hung his head low and rested his face on Yao’s shoulder, wrapping his arms around the smaller man he cried- shaking choking sobs. Yao just rubbed his back, making soft hushing noises as the man in his arms violently trembled. 

He had never seen Ivan this upset before. He knew he had a problem with isolating himself but was his touch starvation this severe that a simple hug sent him over the edge? Yao felt guilty; did he really not show his friend that much affection? That was going to change. 

The two sat there for what must have been at least half an hour. Ivan crying into Yao’s shoulder, muttering different phrases in Russian that Yao could only half understand.  
Things like ‘stupid’ and ‘bastard’ were mostly what he caught, ‘disappointment’ popped up a few times too and the words caused Yao’s heart to clench in worry. His friend was a good man, he had the emotional maturity of a toddler but that wasn’t his fault. How could he help it that the only influences in his life had been his crazy sisters? 

Yao had gone to pull away at a point, merely to readjust himself, but Ivan had squeezed him tightly- as if he was terrified that Yao was going to leave him. He had stopped crying at this point, instead just desperately clinging to his friend. 

They carried on like this for some time. Yao’s mind was more or less blank, his thoughts all on comforting Ivan. Another half hour went by until Yao realized Ivan’s breathing had stilled. 

“How are you feeling?” He asked softly. 

Ivan was silent for a moment before he cleared his throat. 

“Better.” 

“I’m glad.” Yao replied, slowly he sat up straight. He pulled away from Ivan but reached over, keeping their fingers interlocked. Ivan’s eyes and nose were red; he looked like a mess, but better this than the glassy eyes he had been sporting the other evening. 

Ivan gave him a small thankful smile.

“I love you lots. Thank you.” Ivan’s voice was hoarse from crying, but Yao simply smiled back.

“I love you too, what else are best friends for?” 

Ivan looked absolutely giddy but he reached up, covering his face in his scarf. 

“You are kiss ass.” He teased, his voice muffled by his scarf. 

“Oh you wish.”


End file.
